Ok I have ta Give ya a Warning!

[Lucky Lar]

under the catagory of JUST how dumb can you get:

Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey ya, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something, while christmas shopping for my wife, at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my beagle Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way! "no friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . Sure would like to get 'em back.

[tmeasel]

Now that is funny,I dont care who you are.

[wildwindom]

I dont think i have ever laughfed that hard at 7:30 in the morning!!! The point is are you gonna try it again if so can you put it on video so we can all see it please

[GaryL]

Lucky Lar so funny I am still having a hard time breathing Talk about (No Offence) REDNECKS I know a guy that would test that on his self, I mean one does need to know it wook's ....

[BUCKSHOT]

That is hillarious, even the boss got a good laugh out of it! My wife was wondering if you could post a picture so she could make a positive i.d on them things for ya'!
I doubt we would see them around the North country, they must have headed South!:shock:
I would say you have a huge set to pull a stunt like that, guess that's just not appropriate!
Maybe Santa will be good to ya'!
Merry Ha Ha!

[Partikle]

Ha Ha Ha... glad to know it works. My buddy has a hand held bug zapper that looks like a ping pong paddle with wire screen in the middle. It only takes 2 AA batteries and he thought the same thing, how bad can it be. He said it hurt like a SOB when he touched his finger.

[rutman]

Thats the best story I've read yet on this forum, you should win some kind of prize for it. If you ever decide to do it again let me know I'll round up some buddies and we will be right over. Sorry about the grapes big sac rifice but worth it.

[Tom]

I do not think that is actually Lucky's story. I think he just posted it for us to have a chuckle. Do you think someone smart enough to choose a crossbow to continue archery hunting would be ...... errrrr ummmmm ehhhh ...... silly enough to do that .

Actually I have read that story before a couple of times but still feel it funny enough to read again. I just hope that fellow's cats did not think there were 2 new play toys rolling around on the floor after the test .

Thanks for the chuckle.

[hikerman]

[Ben S.]

I don't care who's story it is. My stomach is killing me from laughing so hard. Good way to start my Christmas Eve day.

[Maritimer]

Lucky Lar that was so funny, my ribs are still hurting from laughing so hard. I can admit that if I had a Taser gun I would have probably tried the same thing ( I think its our generic make up). Like rutman said if you have a urge to try that again let us know, I will bring the popcorn.

[huntman]

LMFAO

[fletch]

That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. My wife wondered what the hell I was laughing so hard at. Good one. Next time use a video camera and you will be $10,000 richer.

[STEELWORKER]

Man that was great!!! an instant classic for sure. thank-you

[Sliver]

Man O Man, I can't wait to see that movie

I'm glad it worked for ya, you know the wife will be safe now