O/T Humor

[OneShot]

Victoria's Secret
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

[diesel]

[Grizzly Adam]

Sounds like the poor fellow who forgot his anniversary and failed to get his wife a card and present. It just so happened that their wedding date was near Christmas, and she was in a pretty good mood when he forgot, so she said, "Never mind, dear. You can make it up to me on Christmas! I expect to see something in the driveway on Christmas morning that can go from 0 to 160 in less than 10 seconds."

Hubby said he'd take care of it, and she looked forward to Christmas Day with eager anticipation. When dawn finally came, she ran to the front door to look out upon the driveway ... and there it was: a brand new, gleaming, latest model BATHROOM SCALE!

He never knew it was coming either. Services were three days later.

[Golden Eagle]

[dick195252]

Those are great i needed a good laugh tonight...

[wabi]

I vote for "Grape Expectations"
Not even going to comment on the wife jokes - I'm married and would hate to hear a gun discharge in my ear. (the ringing of cast iron against your skull is bad enough!)

[Daniele]

Here's another one

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh crap.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[raydaughety]

Y'all are killing me.

[saxman]

Here's one.
Pino More

[Grizzly Adam]

There was this fellow who had a pet duck that he dearly loved ... and one morning he arose to find his duck lying on the floor with it's feet in the air ... apparently dead ... but he couldn't stand the thought of that, and thinking something might be done for it, he picked it up and rushed to the vet.

When he got there, the secretary saw what the situation was and reasoned with him, informing him that there would be a $50 office call fee just for having the duck looked at. He said, "No problem! I don't care! I want the vet to look at him!" So she let him in the exam room, and called the vet in.

Upon examining the creature, the vet looked up and said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but your duck has died."

The man lost it. Beside himself with grief, he said, "It can't be dead! It can't be! Isn't there anything else you might do ... some sort of tests you can perform?"

The vet looked at him with compassion and thought to himself that it couldn't hurt to humor the poor guy ... so he said, "Sure" ... and gave a whistle toward a back room.

A dog appeared. The vet said, "Is this duck dead?" ... and the dog jumped up on the table, sniffed the duck, looked up at the vet and barked: "Woof, woof!"

The vet looked at the man and said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but your duck is dead."

The man wasn't about to accept it. "Isn't there anything more you can do?" he asked.

Sighing, the vet gave another whistle, and a cat appeared. He said, "Is this duck dead?" ... and the cat jumped up on the table, walked around the duck, looked at the vet and meowed: "Meow, meow!"

The vet looked at the man with compassion, and said, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but your duck is dead, and you're going to have to accept it."

Defeated and deflated, the man picked up his dead duck and trudged back into the waiting room to face the secretary. "That will be $150, Sir." she said. "$150!" he cried. "You said it would only be $50!"

"Yes, Sir," she said, "but that was before you insisted on the Lab Report and Cat Scan."

[fuzzy]

...

[saxman]

No Comment,
Looking over shoulder ---------NOTHING,LOVE YA HONEY!!!!!!!!!!