O/T Gas Attack at Home Depot

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Doe Master
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O/T Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Doe Master » Sat Mar 26, 2016 2:37 pm

Gas attack at The Home Depot
I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise idea . You see , the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a healthy quantity of my patented "you`re definitely going to #[email protected]& yourself" road-kill chili . Very tasty stuff , although hot to the point of being painful . Which comes from me a warning if you eat it , the next morning both your butt cheeks WILL fall off .
Here is the thing . The next morning I awoke and even after my usual two cups of coffee (don`t pretend not to know what I mean) nothing had happened . Despite the chilies swimming through my intestinal tract . I was unable to create what my wife refers to as "The Thunder and Lightning " .
Knowing that time of reckoning was going to come , yet not sure of just when . I bravely set off for Home depot , my quest being paint and supplies . Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal . I grabbed a cart and began pushing it around collecting my supplies . It was not until at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that pain hit me .
Oh don`t pretend not to know what I`m talking about . I`m referring to that " I have got to go NOW " pain that seems to hit all of us at the wrong time . But this time the pain was different . The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt . They were bullying their up to the front of the line . Before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would have brought sweet relief , it happened . The chili had fired a warning shot .
There I stood , alone in the paint and stains section suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which probably has never been recorded . I was afraid to move for fear of more of this vile odour escaping me . Slowly , oh so slowly the pressure seemed to subside . So I began to move up the aisle where I was met by an orange apron as I rounded the corner . I was asked if they could be of any assistance . :)
I don`t know what made me do it , but I stopped to watch what his reaction would be to the toxic invisible fog that refused to dissipate . Have you ever been torn in two directions emotionally ? I could`ve warned the poor clerk but I didn`t . I simply watched as he walked into the invisible wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and run . Was to stand there blinking for a moment , then frantically wave his arms as though he was trying to ward off a swarm of bees . This , of course made me feel terrible . But then made me laugh .........BIG MISTAKE !!
Here`s the thing . When you laugh it is hard to keep things under control , if you know what I mean . With each guffaw another explosive issue burst forth . Some were so loud and echoing that I was told later a few folks two aisles over ducked , fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun . Then suddenly things were no longer funny , I was racing through the store towards the toilets . Laying down a cloud the whole way , just praying I would make it before the grand explosion .
But luck was on my side . I proceeded to hover over the seat because my arse was burning so bad . One poor soul walked in while I was in the middle of what could be referred to as "Shock and Awe" . He made a coughing and snorting sound . Then asked if it smell that bad when I ate it ?
Once I finished and left the restroom . I reacquired my partially filed cart and intended to resume my shopping . When one of the store employees approached me and said " Sir , you may want to step outside for a few minutes . It appears a prankster has set off a stink bomb in the store . The manager is now turning on the vent fans to high which ought to take care of the problem " .
My smirking set me off again , causing some residual gas to escape . The employee took one sniff , jumped back pulling his apron up over his nose . Pointing at me in an accusing manner shouting " IT`S YOU " he returned a moment later with the manager . I was unceremoniously escorted from the premise and told kindly not to return .
I got home without my supplies , I realized that I was hungry . I consumed two bowls of chili and went to Lowes the next day . But I can`t say anymore about that because we will be going to court over the whole matter . They claim they are going to have to repaint the whole store .
Prone est ut nos es plurimus periculosus

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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Tom » Sat Mar 26, 2016 2:53 pm

Kevin, good job you were not shopping for a new RV.

They would never be able to sell them after you did a tour.

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Normous » Sat Mar 26, 2016 4:02 pm

Hmmm, now I know why you have to work alone in the back of the building away from everyone else :lol:
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by wheelie » Sat Mar 26, 2016 4:03 pm

You be nice to them Home Depot folks as I happen to like them a lot! They are a good company and treat me well! You big meanie!
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But did get sick of the color so I changed it!
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by GGC » Sat Mar 26, 2016 5:04 pm

At least you weren't in your favorite tree stand. Been there.
Had three motorhomes in three years, no doubt you could keep the pushy SOB RV salesman at bay!!!

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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by munch » Sat Mar 26, 2016 5:41 pm

kevin it could have been worst you could have been with your wife and walked away so the clerk tough she did it. of coarse ive never done that to my wife in the supper market
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Doe Master » Sat Mar 26, 2016 5:44 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by xcaliber » Sat Mar 26, 2016 6:07 pm

Sounds like some mean arse chili! :shock: :lol:
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Bullzeye » Sat Mar 26, 2016 8:41 pm

Shock and Awe, Shock and Awe :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by elknut » Sat Mar 26, 2016 9:12 pm

My wife did it to me. We were in a fine china shop in downtown Cincy. She dropped a bomb that smelled like death. Perfect timing as we walked around the corner a snooty lady was standing there. You could tell she smelled it when she covered her nose. My wife turned to me and said "YOU ARE DISGUSTING " and then promptly walked away That lady looked at me like I was the plague. When I caught up to my she was laughing hysterically and I couldn't help but laugh to. That was some funny sh%$ That happened before we were married,still together for 25 years I guess a woman that can do to you what a good buddy would do to you is a keeper.
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Scarecrow » Sat Mar 26, 2016 11:03 pm

OMG...I was laughing so hard my wife was asking what was wrong with me!! Too funny!!
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by agingcrossbower » Sun Mar 27, 2016 8:10 am

Waaaaay to much information. :lol:

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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Doe Master » Sun Mar 27, 2016 8:11 am

When I was retyping it out . I had to stop because I couldn`t breathe . :)
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by Dale » Sun Mar 27, 2016 8:25 am

I feel for ya. Had a similar experience many years ago. Went to Colorado skiing, and got to feeling bad due to the altitude. Any way IT was upon me in a bad way, on top of witch, I felt like I was going to pass out. I knew if I passed out, I would fill my drawers. The clerk in the supermarket told me the facilities were at the other end of the store, and upstairs. that news was too much to accept, I actually had to lay down for a few minutes to get enough blood to my brain so I would not pass out with my trek across the store and up the stairs. Some poor buggar walked in the can as IT was a flowing and to quote him in short hand of course "! $ & who the # died in here."
I laugh about you when I read your post last night, and still laugh about some of my bad experiences as well.
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Re: Gas Attack at Home Depot

Post by georgiaboy » Sun Mar 27, 2016 8:35 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I just snorted coffee up my nose reading this!!! :lol:
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